i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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