her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
