I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
