You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
