"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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