Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
