I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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