he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
