i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hippo gnu deer
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
