I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Pants are for mortals
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
