I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
