what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
