i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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