What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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