I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
