After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
