Pappa wants mamma naked
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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