I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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