You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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