Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
