The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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