it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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