you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
