god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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