He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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