im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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