bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
