My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Michael Bay diarrhea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize