I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
