Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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