What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
