i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
