My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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