I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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