I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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