in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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