please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
