Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
