so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
