umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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