Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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