some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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