she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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