I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize