I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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