There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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