It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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