Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
