Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
