These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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