So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I smell stomach acid.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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