Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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