I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
