I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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