I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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