omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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