Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
