i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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