Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
