I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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