I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
