my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
