this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
