allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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