i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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